I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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