you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
