they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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