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I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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