do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
