Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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