i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
