that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
