Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
