Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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