all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
