im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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