woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
