Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
