sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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