doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
