I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
