We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
