I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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