We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
