you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
