if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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