Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
