I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Sober January is a disaster.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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