Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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