i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
