I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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