I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
where does the pee come out of this thing
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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