you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
