no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
