Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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