If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
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