after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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