i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
