Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
