im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
