Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
