I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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