yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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