Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
