lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
