I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
