do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
