Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
