Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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