Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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