He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
