you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
