My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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