lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.