mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.