Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
