Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
