You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
