I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
