can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
