can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
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Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
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I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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