Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
