Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
