Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
YAS. BRING CRAB.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
