I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
